However, the fact that I've made no art is not a sign of my life spiraling into darkness and despair. At least, that's not what's going on anymore. To be frank, I was in a terrible, depressed slump for a few months up until the new year, really. It was a summary combination of quitting my job out of sheer frustration, self-loathing for such an act (among other things) and tension building on my relationship. Things have changed here in the past month, though, and they've changed entirely for the best. I've gotten my life back in order, at least in my head, seeing as how it wasn't really ever too much in disarray to begin with, realistically.
The tension of my relationship was one of the biggest strains I was suffering under, but the irony was that I was the causation for it the entire time. I let myself get so wrapped up in my pity party of feeling worthless that it strained my emotions and, by association, my girlfriend's. When she's stressed, I am also stressed, which combines on top of the stress that started it all, and, well, I think you can see that I was basically caught in a self-perpetuating cycle of misery. I realized one day that I didn't have to feel that way, though. I poured detrimental thought after hateful musing on myself internally until, eventually, I stopped and thought: "What if I only hate myself because, well, I keep hating myself. What if I'm turning myself into the person I hate?" It wasn't easy, but I managed to wean myself off of self-inflicted emotional scarring by steadily counting up the things I was thankful for in my head and pondering long and hard why I was so grateful for them in the first place.
I have a home, a roof over my head, in which my lovely girlfriend also resides and shows me her affection and care. I have the bloody internet, food to eat, drinks to quench my thirst, lights to repel the dark; so many simple things that I took for granted. I have a family who loves me, and despite their quirks now and then, that's something I will be in their debt for forever, and I only hope I can show any child I have that same level of care and attention while struggling to keep those very same things I've taken for granted in mine and their lives. Then, when I count the things I don't have but should, well... Nothing turns up. I didn't have a job, sure, and I couldn't drive legally on my own, but those were temporary situations, not permanent entrapments.
Now? Well, I've got myself another job, and I start it officially tomorrow morning. It's looking to be much better than my previous employment, and I'm honestly excited to see if maybe, just maybe, I found myself a job that I won't go to every day with a sense of pure and total dread. Oh, and on top of having a new job, as of today I can now legally drive myself to it, which means I won't have to rely on screwing up my girlfriend's sleep schedule (she's a night shift worker) to take me to and pick me up from work. Luckily for me, she's amazing and doesn't care that a greenhorn driver uses her car to shuttle himself back and forth to work, and honestly, I love her greatly for so much more than that, I find it truly impossible to put into words.
So, what does all of this have to do with me deleting my previous journal entries? Well, among those journal entries were moments of sheer depression leading to pity parties, random rants of utter unimportance and otherwise useless information in the present time. I'm a happier me, and even if I'm not sure when I'll start making art again, I at least have a more colorful outlook on life.